Dark Skinny

Had a rough day two days ago. I had to renew my Filipino  Driving Licence and so here is the true story of this remarkably tangled Philippines journey (please allow for a certain sarcastic licence in the telling)….

Up at 7:30 am, quick shower under the waterfall, some sips of Barako coffee and a pee in the pond then all out the door and up into the Sherman tank. We chug it to the local LTO office in San Fernando arriving at 9:00 am on the dot — and no bleedin’ parking spaces!! I truck it all the way over the mountain to San Fernando Plaza, park the lump and we all hop a trike because it’s so damn fun.

I am led first to the infamous “Squirt and Dribble” Drugs Test Centre where I have vigorous practice here scrawling my name, address and signature with what can only be described as repetitive gay abandon. All my digits and thumbs are electronically fingerprinted (for a Driving Licence?). Then I have to give ‘em some pee in a bottle. So, I goes to the smallest room — which is only big enough to accommodate two lame turkeys(stacked), then I’m handed a plastic bottle — really small !! — and the sturdy young girl says — “You must fill it to the top, sir” — I try and close the door — “We must observe you, sir” says the grinning nymphet softly, her moist lower lip quivering expectantly and blocking the door with a hoof whilst all the while cuddling her well-oiled AK-47. Anyway, in a fit of outright pique, I pee with a real vengeance — and, man, it really dribbles and overflows like a swirling hot-tub jacuzzi  and no mistake!! But do I care? I hand it to her generously –  all slippery, gushing and steaming but still smiling sweetly nonetheless. But I left there in a huff –  I really hate it when people take the piss like that….

Then we hobbled over the track to Dee-Dee’s Medical Centre, where both my glass eyes were successfully pressure-tested with iron spikes and they took my blood pressure with something  resembling a badly re-vulcanized hot water-bottle(no expense spared here, eh?). And I was truly floored when the girl said that my blood pressure was 120/80 !! “Perfect, Mr Tampsoon…” quipped the water-bottle nurse confidently. Is that me? Damn !! Obviously I’m not puffing enough…..I must try harder….

But now to the real dirge. We goes to the LTO where I hand the forms into window ‘A‘ and all signed neatly with two X’s(my full name). Then we sit, twiddle and sizzle for 45 bloody mins. Then my name is mispronounced and I go to window ‘D‘ where a husky and dusky Igorot female takes my photo — so bravely — all by herself. After another 50 ticks — three cigarettes, two warm Cokes, a single Churchill cigar and half a puffed pipe later — my name is effortlessly babbled yet again and I am  safely  directed to window ‘C‘ where a woman just holds out her hand. Hell, I know what that means. After paying, I sit on my numb rump again for I don’t know how long then I’m called to  window ‘B‘ where I finally sign and grasp my new Filipino driver’s licence. It’s a damn good thing I know my alphabet so well….

At this point — the very highlight of my day you might say — I collapse and pass out from the sheer thrill of it all. But I am told reliably by certain friends of a calmer persuasion  that, as I was being dragged out of the LTO kicking and screaming,  I  was babbling fiercely:

“Aaaiii !!…Water!!!..No!!….Gimme ten thumbs of whisky….Big Glass….and a Goddamn straw…NOW !!”

Rumour also has it that I bit and savaged several innocent  bystanding ankles on the way out of that LTO office, but I really don’t believe this — What twaddle!! However, I confess that other people - certain good neighbours of mine - have also admitted to me that lately and for the last few nights they have been hearing strange rabid howlings upon the last chimes of midnight.

I can’t –  for the life of me — think why this is happening, can you ?

I know that nothing is perfect but frustration has many forms….There is no such thing as ‘Limited Bureaucracy” in the Philippines, the bureaucracy here is positively blooming and rampant, never seen the like….Thank God this happens only once every 3 years !!